Today, In Unpublishable Tweet Form

by 12:30 AM 1 comments
10:30 AM: Overslept due to nightmare that I was kidnapped for ten years and repeatedly raped during that time. Thanks, Ariel Castro!

10:45 AM: These vegan muffins from Trader Joe's are so much worse than the ones I make.
REASON NOT TWEETED: Bragging, boring.

10:50 AM: Why is a Vermont congressperson emailing me? I don't live in Vermont, okay!?

11:15 AM: I'm actually using my clothing steamer to steam-iron my blouse. I feel so productive!
REASON NOT TWEETED: I would like to create the illusion that I do this kind of thing all the time.

11:45 AM: So many pimples on my forehead! Should probably start washing my face after working out.

12:15 PM: Boss told me to come in at 1:30 yesterday, but I'm on the schedule for 2:00. She hasn't texted me back, what to do?
REASON NOT TWEETED: Obviously, the answer is to go in early. But I like my free time, so I don't want to hear the right answer.

12:45 PM: Bought some face soap specifically for my gym bag. No more excuses!
REASON NOT TWEETED: References earlier non-tweeted information, would make no sense out of context.

1:00 PM: The lady at the Costco door demanded to see my Costco card, but the guy who walked in at the same time as me passed by un-examined. IS IT BECAUSE I'M WHITE?
REASON NOT TWEETED: That's not funny. It would only be funny if blacks and hispanics weren't actually hassled while shopping all the time. Why would you even think that could be a joke? Seriously, what is wrong with you?

1:01 PM: Feeling: guilty.
REASON NOT TWEETED: People would ask why, and I wouldn't be able to answer them.

1:03 PM: A guy almost hit me with his shopping cart. I jumped out of the way at the last second. It was really dramatic! Two people even paused their shopping just to take it all in.
REASON NOT TWEETED: I don't know, this actually seems like a good one! Maybe I'll tweet it in a few days and pretend it just happened when I do.

1:05 PM: Got my meds from the Costco pharmacy. Those ladies are the best!
REASON NOT TWEETED: I should post this on Yelp, with more sentences. Those ladies really do make my day, every time.

1:45 PM: Split the difference between the official and unofficial schedule by showing up halfway between both. Boss ended up paying me for fifteen minutes extra. She's the nicest person ever!
REASON NOT TWEETED: Personal information, kind of bragging?

2:00 PM: Can I go back to Kindergarten? It looks like fun to be that age!
REASON NOT TWEETED: Selfish. I already got one chance to be a kindergartener. Now I have to pay it forward by taking care of kids like I was taken care of. Quit dreaming!

2:30 PM: Hey, did you happen to see, the worst training video in the wo-o-orld?
REASON NOT TWEETED: What are you, Weird Al? Don't even try.

3:30 PM: I seriously almost fell asleep during this training video, it's so bad.
REASON NOT TWEETED: Complaining, negative, and not a conversation starter.

4:00 PM: I'm so glad that English doesn't have a one-to-one letter/sound correspondence. If it did, I'd be out of a job.

5:00 PM: Cursive writing is hard. I won't tell my student, but she's never going to use it outside of elementary school, anyway.
REASON NOT TWEETED: This one is a combination of boring AND snarky.

6:00 PM: Traffic on the 101 is the woooorst today.
REASON NOT TWEETED: Boring, and it looks like I'm texting while driving. Not cool!

6:50 PM: Chipotle with my buddy! What could be better?
REASON NOT TWEETED: Chipotle is fast food, so it's not really update-worthy, IMO.

7:30 PM: I found the best way to get to this meeting, it was so fast!

8:00 PM: Someone is attending this meeting via Google Hangouts. Why don't we all just do it that way?
REASON NOT TWEETED: Actually, I like being next to people in person. I don't even know why I feel jealous of the person not physically here. I guess it just looks kind of cool to be on the TV screen, like Big Brother.

8:30 PM: Meeting adjourned! That was quick.

9:25 PM: Time for my favorite part of the day: a glass of wine and an episode of House of Cards!

10:25 PM: I objectively know Kevin Spacey is gay, but he's pretty hot in this show?
REASON NOT TWEETED: What!? Not only is he gay, he's like 3x your age, and not hot, and you're married. Shut it down.

11:00 PM: Just read on Jezebel that two women were held prisoner in a house and repeatedly raped. Maybe my dream was a psychic prediction?
REASON NOT TWEETED: This is not about you. And not something to joke about.

11:20 PM: Great shower today!
REASON NOT TWEETED: Are you kidding me?

11:30 PM: Melatonin should be kicking in any minute now...
REASON NOT TWEETED: Boring. Too personal. Not a conversation starter. People will un-follow you! Don't even think about it!

And THAT'S how I go an entire day not writing anything!

Marina Gafni

Marina Gafni is a 28-year-old speech pathology student. She lives with her husband in San Jose, CA.

1 comment:

  1. Funny! Coincidentally, as I was reading the entry for 1:03 pm, I thought that maybe it was tweetable (or, as the French say, "tweetable"), and then you wrote the same thing. = genetic bond.